Footprints

Blankness.

That was all I could see.

A sense of nothingness enveloped my mind,

Blinded to anything beyond the next second.

You feel numb as the despair takes hold.

Blaming yourself for everything

Wishing you could have done more

Tried harder. But it is beyond your control.

You are a Failure.

At least that is what you tell yourself.

The person who relied on you

Is gone before you even knew them.

You’re home not good enough

Not right. Move on – leaving nothingness

Just grief for the one you never met.

Days pass in a blur as you vacate the premises.

Physically it’s draining, emotionally it’s draining, mentally it’s draining.

You leave me with nothing but a phantom memory of who you could have been.

No one could replace you;

You’ll always be the one who first had my motherly heart,

But I feel like I let you down:

Nothing changes that.

Eventually time eases and dulls the pain

and one day the storm passes.

A rainbow appears –

Bringing hope and joy.

A life full of happiness and love.

But you will not be forgotten,

The one who never got a

Chance to make footprints in the dirt or sand;

But know that forever you left them on my heart.

H. Williams (2016)

This month the baby I never got to know would have been turned one. I wrote this when I found out I was expecting Little Bear and felt today I could finally share it.

Mama Bear x

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